More On Me

  ** Fair warning this post might be a little disturbing to some I don't know for sure , but I just have to write ( type lol ). **

   I am listening to a CD I guess I had lost and definitely have not listened to in ages. Lots of songs which bring me back a bit . It really can't bring me back too far . And yes I guess I am going to get into the other story I mentioned back in my very first blog.

   Let me start form the beginning or should I say my Beginning that I can, you see I do not have a childhood, or at least one that I can remember. Most of it is a blank, and for the most part what I do remember is not good. I am not saying that I don't remember some good things I do just not enough to be able to say there was a childhood. I am one of those people in therapy, no I do not say woe is me just stating the fact as you will see ( I hope).

   I know a lot of people have had rotten childhoods and I guess in this way i am lucky that I can not remember mine and I am being very serious. If I try to remember it I get headaches and what I have found out ( confirmed by people in my life) I do not want to open the Pandora box. You see when I was a child my mother would take us kids out to play and being she did not know how to "control" me ( what I did at a young age for that to be used I do not know) she would tie me up to a tree or bush instead of keeping an eye on me and making sure I did not walk off or whatever it was I was doing that she felt deserved me being tied up litterly. One of my sisters would tie me up in a chair as well when she babysat me with my other sibling ( there was 7 of us in the house). My mother also tied me up and left me there when she walked my sisters to the bus stop.

   I remember being slapped around in the bathroom and getting cut. Once blood was visible it stopped. I was tied up even while I was in elementary school so this was not just a little boy thing ( which as far as I am concerned is not right in any shape or form).

   My father once caught me watching TV when I was supposed to be sleeping ( my bedroom was next to the living room at this time). He come bounding in and picks me up by my ankles hanging upside down and wales on me. I will say he did not punish that much but then again you would not want him too. I guess besides that there was only one other time that I felt not wanted by him no let me refraze that there was more , but the next to the worse was when our landlord sexually assaulted me and told me that if I would come over to his house and let him "play" with me he would give me money. I told my Mother and she said "go tell your father"  ( I should have known) after I told him he turned to me and said " Don't worry about it, just forget it, we are moving anyways." You see I was born third to the last, and feel that he already had his son when my sister who was my Mother's second born his third was born.

  He did everything with her, sports, cars etc. And by the time I was born he was tired and had became disabled. Now  I have to say we did have our fishing trips and they were fun, but they were far and few in number and as I grew into my teens I was just a number, another mouth to feed.

  My best times tho were with my sister who he did everything with , she did her best to take us kids out when she could ( us four youngest) and buy us stuff ( tho that did not matter but it was nice). Me and her did a lot of stuff together and like I said it was fun.I am sure I have forgotten some of the stuff because it was too close to other things  my brain wants to keep out. My oldest sister by my mother also took me every now and then tho it didn't happen often ( not like she could have) They were smart as soon as they could find a way to leave they did. I hold no ill will against them for most of the stuff that happened they were not around to see and trust me I never talked about it ( you don't want to add more on yourself and back then that was the way it was) .

  If you have made it this far in my blog Thank you. You know the more I think of it back then when I was a kid almost everything was hush hush. Your neighbor never talked about your other neighbor or at least not allowed and never was there any thoughts of "maybe we should call someone?" But also back then a lot of things were hidden . Marks were not seen or the stories were believed, Parents had more clout than kids. Some of the things I remember about myself were tell tale signs. This is hard to admit but a kid who would pee his pants in the fourth grade right in the class room was a big sign, but nothing happened . The most was "Poor kid there must be something wrong with him." and then I would find myself running up to my room to change before anyone caught me so I would not get punished for doing something like that and making my Mother look bad.

  So at one point I finally get away and start to live my own life and things felt good. I had Friends, I had a social life. Met a beautiful young lady who I ended up marring and had a daughter, things seemed to be great ! Then my Father asks me to come back near him with the grand kids ( a son was born by then) and I thought yeah what harm is there , I am my own man now. Well we started living with my parents until we find a place and BANG started to feel like the little kid again ( only I was not making the connection at the time).

  We moved out but not that far I started to black out and when I did I was angry ! I was told I never hit but would corner my wife and start yelling so loud that everyone could hear me no matter where they were ( neighbors). I kept working worked hard too and we finally bought a house. I had found a friend who was one of the most awesomest persons around filled the hole that I had at the time and things were back to being good. Then that friend moved away and I was once again alone ( or at least in my head I was) I broke down, tried to kill myself. This was the beginning of my awareness. Parts of my childhood flooded in bad parts that I have mentioned here. I became disabled, we lost the house.

  Thru out it all the kids were taken care of ( all three had our last one when we moved up to this area ) . You see the more I think of it the signs were even there of course, I tried to kill myself when I was in high school , I tried to kill myself when we first moved back up and lived with my parents. After my breakdown there were other times I have tried also. Not until lately have I really understand what is going on but it still is a long journey for me and yes a hard one.

  So where am I now? well I have PTSD, BI-Polar, Manic Depression, Manic Anxiety, Agoraphobic ( don't know if I spelled it right) . Living with these is very hard and I wish I was back in Pittsfield when I left my parent's house after I graduated. I had friends to party with or play cards at least. I do not now. I never thought about my childhood it was bottled up. Now the parts I know keep haunting me and I do not know how to get them to stop. I guess when all is said and done I just hope those who are interested enough to want to know me have and can understand how I am with some of my posts. If you have made it thru this whole blog thank you again and I consider you a good friend on the Internet :-) (ten to one you don't live near me and have not met me in person) .

The WWE Post One

       OK now I was not going to do this for some time now, but while sitting here cracking some nuts ( of the eatable kind) I figured why not start it.


     Now the WWE, Yes I am talking about wrestling. One of the memories I do have as a kid ( and yes this was a nice one) was of my sister Anita taking me to the Great Barrington Fair where I got to watch Bob Backlund wrestle the Iron Sheik ! It was great I was running around the ring all excited like a little kid would do :-).

    That being said as years pasted I realized that all wrestling is , is a Man's version of a soap opera. Don't get me wrong those guys work very hard and have to be fit because they do some very dangerous stuff in and out of the ring. But if you really think about it the show has everything a soap opera would and even more at times. Yes sometimes the story lines get stale and some don't even make the grade when they start. But there is always something that keeps people going and I can always find a good laugh.

     Alright now why did I say "Post One" ? Well that means I will be making this one of my regular blogs :-). Yes I have always liked Wrestling and probably always will lol. Let me start with my Favorite, The Undertaker, his story line fit my way of life I guess you could say. The fact that he could "come back from the grave". I thought for a while his brother Kane was going to take over in that matter but right now the most he does is cause fire to explode from the ring. They say Undertaker will be coming back and if so cool but from what I have heard he limits his appearances because of health reasons.

    Now lets get into the here and now, I do watch "Monday Night Raw" and "Friday Night Smack Down" and let me tell you there are times I am like "you got to be kidding me" like right now let's talk about the "Shield". I have seen people ask "why doesn't anyone from out back run out right away and stop them?" Well if they did it would ruin the story line. You have to remember that they are there to cause turmoil and to get people mad and say boo. I know why am I explaining this lol. Well really in some ways I should not be doing that because it takes all the fantasy out of it. Well I guess one of the main reasons I decided to write this (or should I say type lol) is because Vince McMahon decided himself to up the anti and play a OOPS card , he states that if the Shield gets involved in the title match that a certain (CM Punk) will be stripped of his belt.

    OK OK now on to CM Punk I knew he was turning "evil" as the say or the bad guy whichever lol. I so wanted to be able to whisper in his ear "welcome back to the dark side" lol . Of course tho his story line is getting stale , really he should just be evil now and not egotistical because we already know he has a big ego, he had that when he was a good guy lol, I am just waiting for when they change the story line and Paul Heyman turns on him lol .

      I think I have ranted enough on this for today and look for more from me in the future. If you have any friends who are into wrestling please have them leave me questions or comments and I will gladly answer with my opinions. Remember all of this is just my own opinions :-).

What I have been up to?

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, well I actually did one thing I said I would ! My love of music has gotten me back into running my own radio station here on the Internet. It has music form the 60's up to the 21st century! I plan on having a talk show on it too but right now it is just music form 12 noon to 11 pm. here is the link for anyone interested.

http://decadesradio.listen2myradio.com/

I know it isn't a great big station but I have over 475 songs that play form different gene. Please let me know what you think and of course I can play requests too :-) I used to work at several radio stations in my day, WBRK/WRCZ in Pittsfield MA, I also worked at a high school station (WTBR) back then too. Then when I moved up in this area I worked for WINQ which was based in Winchendon, MA at the time and then WGAW from Gardner, MA. I am hoping there will come a day when I can get back into it full time ( talking on the radio ) for now I am happy with what I have, maybe if I get more listeners I can do more :-).

I just had to repost this!

a good friend posted this in a forum we are in and I just had to share please read and enjoy :-)


The Mayonnaise Jar and Coffee

... When things in your life are almost too much to handle,
when 24 hours is just not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar,
and the coffee…..

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a
very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with
golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the
open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students
again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
Jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once
More if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous
“YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you
to recognize that this jar represents you life. The golf balls are
the important things – your family, your children, your health,
your friends, and your favorite passions – things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would
still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
House, and your car.

The sand is everything else – the small stuff. “If you put the
sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the
pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on
the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children! Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your wife/husband/lover/friend out to dinner. Maybe even
play another 18. There is always time to clean the house and
fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there
is always room for a couple cups of coffee with a friend.”
 

The New Year is Here

           OK I guess I like others had to look back on the year behind me. It started out shall I say interesting? I found out that I might have had another son, but he did not want to find out if it was true. I spent about a week in the hospital on what we call "Floor 3" other places have other names for it . But it was for my mental health. I had some time ago found out I have PTSD and am Bi-POLAR. I also have other things which effect my mental health but at that point I needed to go in for even more health (and am glad I did). I lost my mother this past year in November, but had a grandson born in the beginning of that month. I am sure there were other things that happen but not as important right now I guess.

          So what does the new year actually bring? Well I had decided not to do the resolution thing cause it never works out. But the very first day I end up having a stomach bug ( is this a sign of the times?) . It caused me to take to my bed for two days. I have made contact with a childhood friend which was a good thing ! It is nice to be able to reconnect with your past. I guess I am going to try and get by without the support I look for ( as mentioned in an earlier blog) and start to do things I have not done in a long time. Yes music will stay with me as it has been and always will be in some form or another. So it looks like it is a slow start , but I am looking forward to keep all my friends informed as to how I am doing !