More On Me

  ** Fair warning this post might be a little disturbing to some I don't know for sure , but I just have to write ( type lol ). **

   I am listening to a CD I guess I had lost and definitely have not listened to in ages. Lots of songs which bring me back a bit . It really can't bring me back too far . And yes I guess I am going to get into the other story I mentioned back in my very first blog.

   Let me start form the beginning or should I say my Beginning that I can, you see I do not have a childhood, or at least one that I can remember. Most of it is a blank, and for the most part what I do remember is not good. I am not saying that I don't remember some good things I do just not enough to be able to say there was a childhood. I am one of those people in therapy, no I do not say woe is me just stating the fact as you will see ( I hope).

   I know a lot of people have had rotten childhoods and I guess in this way i am lucky that I can not remember mine and I am being very serious. If I try to remember it I get headaches and what I have found out ( confirmed by people in my life) I do not want to open the Pandora box. You see when I was a child my mother would take us kids out to play and being she did not know how to "control" me ( what I did at a young age for that to be used I do not know) she would tie me up to a tree or bush instead of keeping an eye on me and making sure I did not walk off or whatever it was I was doing that she felt deserved me being tied up litterly. One of my sisters would tie me up in a chair as well when she babysat me with my other sibling ( there was 7 of us in the house). My mother also tied me up and left me there when she walked my sisters to the bus stop.

   I remember being slapped around in the bathroom and getting cut. Once blood was visible it stopped. I was tied up even while I was in elementary school so this was not just a little boy thing ( which as far as I am concerned is not right in any shape or form).

   My father once caught me watching TV when I was supposed to be sleeping ( my bedroom was next to the living room at this time). He come bounding in and picks me up by my ankles hanging upside down and wales on me. I will say he did not punish that much but then again you would not want him too. I guess besides that there was only one other time that I felt not wanted by him no let me refraze that there was more , but the next to the worse was when our landlord sexually assaulted me and told me that if I would come over to his house and let him "play" with me he would give me money. I told my Mother and she said "go tell your father"  ( I should have known) after I told him he turned to me and said " Don't worry about it, just forget it, we are moving anyways." You see I was born third to the last, and feel that he already had his son when my sister who was my Mother's second born his third was born.

  He did everything with her, sports, cars etc. And by the time I was born he was tired and had became disabled. Now  I have to say we did have our fishing trips and they were fun, but they were far and few in number and as I grew into my teens I was just a number, another mouth to feed.

  My best times tho were with my sister who he did everything with , she did her best to take us kids out when she could ( us four youngest) and buy us stuff ( tho that did not matter but it was nice). Me and her did a lot of stuff together and like I said it was fun.I am sure I have forgotten some of the stuff because it was too close to other things  my brain wants to keep out. My oldest sister by my mother also took me every now and then tho it didn't happen often ( not like she could have) They were smart as soon as they could find a way to leave they did. I hold no ill will against them for most of the stuff that happened they were not around to see and trust me I never talked about it ( you don't want to add more on yourself and back then that was the way it was) .

  If you have made it this far in my blog Thank you. You know the more I think of it back then when I was a kid almost everything was hush hush. Your neighbor never talked about your other neighbor or at least not allowed and never was there any thoughts of "maybe we should call someone?" But also back then a lot of things were hidden . Marks were not seen or the stories were believed, Parents had more clout than kids. Some of the things I remember about myself were tell tale signs. This is hard to admit but a kid who would pee his pants in the fourth grade right in the class room was a big sign, but nothing happened . The most was "Poor kid there must be something wrong with him." and then I would find myself running up to my room to change before anyone caught me so I would not get punished for doing something like that and making my Mother look bad.

  So at one point I finally get away and start to live my own life and things felt good. I had Friends, I had a social life. Met a beautiful young lady who I ended up marring and had a daughter, things seemed to be great ! Then my Father asks me to come back near him with the grand kids ( a son was born by then) and I thought yeah what harm is there , I am my own man now. Well we started living with my parents until we find a place and BANG started to feel like the little kid again ( only I was not making the connection at the time).

  We moved out but not that far I started to black out and when I did I was angry ! I was told I never hit but would corner my wife and start yelling so loud that everyone could hear me no matter where they were ( neighbors). I kept working worked hard too and we finally bought a house. I had found a friend who was one of the most awesomest persons around filled the hole that I had at the time and things were back to being good. Then that friend moved away and I was once again alone ( or at least in my head I was) I broke down, tried to kill myself. This was the beginning of my awareness. Parts of my childhood flooded in bad parts that I have mentioned here. I became disabled, we lost the house.

  Thru out it all the kids were taken care of ( all three had our last one when we moved up to this area ) . You see the more I think of it the signs were even there of course, I tried to kill myself when I was in high school , I tried to kill myself when we first moved back up and lived with my parents. After my breakdown there were other times I have tried also. Not until lately have I really understand what is going on but it still is a long journey for me and yes a hard one.

  So where am I now? well I have PTSD, BI-Polar, Manic Depression, Manic Anxiety, Agoraphobic ( don't know if I spelled it right) . Living with these is very hard and I wish I was back in Pittsfield when I left my parent's house after I graduated. I had friends to party with or play cards at least. I do not now. I never thought about my childhood it was bottled up. Now the parts I know keep haunting me and I do not know how to get them to stop. I guess when all is said and done I just hope those who are interested enough to want to know me have and can understand how I am with some of my posts. If you have made it thru this whole blog thank you again and I consider you a good friend on the Internet :-) (ten to one you don't live near me and have not met me in person) .