Where am I now ?

  Well I guess I have done some soul searching lol ( that is a laugh) and all I can think about is where am I now? Well it might sound like a pity party but here it goes.

   For one I am at a cross roads, why well because the woman I am in love with says she is in love with me but does not want any kind of romantic relationship. I am a man and like most men I will sometimes crave sex. Now I know she is being faithful to me because we hardly ever spend any time apart. Hell she works with our kids so she can't even say "Oh I got called into work" and then slip away. So where does that leave me ? Yes with my mind , my computer , but after a while that gets to be boring. We cuddle ( which in it's own right gets frustrating ) So where am I now? left alone with my thoughts and just alone in general. I love her enough not to force the issue and to live in despair I guess ( yeah pity party)

  Part two family, well this is or should I say has been an on going thing , I reach out and nothing in return. I have a couple members of my family that I can talk to and sometimes meet up with. But the rest , umm nope . Ok so I have learned to live with that . Funny thing is I have learned to live with that easier than the other . I am greatfull tho to have gotten back in touch with a niece who has been out of my life for a good part of hers. I am thankful that we have a lot in common as well. So I will put my energy into making a strong relationship with her. So where am I now? In the hopes of a new relationship with a lost loved one.

   Part three friends, Well I have a few but none that are frequent visitors. I have a coffee buddy who I meet every so often. I best friend who I talk to on FB  (everyone knows what FB is right? ) But to say I have a close friend ( much different than a best friend ) I do not . I used , she started out as my wife's friend and became both of ours close best friend. But unfortunately she passed away some time ago and neither of us has had one since. I feel no matter what you need at least one friend to help you get thru life no matter what, and to have a close friend is very important ! One who can understand where you are coming from and wants to be there all the time for you. (of course as long as it does not interfere with their own relationships which should be important too) So where am I now? Still looking for that one in a million again ( ok this would be two in a million lol )

  If you have read any of my other blogs then you know the demons I live with, and they are no help to me in this situation I have found myself in. Some  my old thoughts have been slowly creeping back into my head. They are the ones which don't harm other but yes could harm me. They are the ones which used to help me not harm others . Oh and also Just as a side note, I am not posting these on FB anymore because well my last blog did cause me to lose a couple of friends, yes even tho I know that if they were true friends they would not have deleted me, but I feel my true friends will find my blogs even if I don't post them there. They will be following me and reading up on my thoughts etc.


   Ok to some it up ( being I was getting off subject lol )

Where am I now ?

    Alone with my thoughts, my demons, my hopes.

I promise to my friends who read this, I will not disappear. I will give it some thought. and look for my next Blog

 Where Do I Go From Here ?