What Do I Want ?

  Ok I am sitting here and doing a lot ( and I mean a lot ) of thinking. After going over where I am now I started to think , what do I want ? Dam good question huh lol I am sure it would be the first one asked to me from a lot of people .

   Hmmm, well first thing would be what I lost some time ago and that is the feeling of passion. I am a very emotional person and as I have stated before in some of my blogs music is a huge part of my life I feed off of it like a starving person. Well part of that is also touch. Not just a hand holding thing either, tho that is awesome in it's own right. But the kind that goes with passion itself. To look into one's eyes and see the wanting feeling and then the pleasure in their eyes by being touched, kissed and embraced. I haven't even talked about sex lol, but of course that is there . The eyes are the soul of a person and to see into ones soul when doing anything and knowing they feel the same way you do is an awesome thing to go thru .

   I could make out for long periods of time and just look deep into one's eyes and melt. That is the unltimate feeling to me, eyes of passion. Not eyes that are far away or seem to be doing anything because they believe it is part of their "duty". The wanton is the best. I could probably write a whole book on this but I think I should continue before I drive myself crazy ( opps too late already there lol ).

   So besides that what do I want ? Energy ! Yes energy to be able to get up in the morning and say "ok World ! Here I come ! " but atlast I have none . Why ? I am still working on that I think even tho I might feel I am not depressed I probably am and need to get out of the funk that stays with me all the time. I know that passion can give me energy and make me want to be up everyday but I guess for now I have to work around that lol. I see I lol a lot, well I guess that is my defenses, if I can cry ( which I can't) I might as well laugh. I am sure a lot of people agree that energy is very important.

   I want something to look forward to . I am sure that having this would give me energy as well. But right now I really don't look forward to much but sleeping. I know the signs of depression, and yes I have them. Maybe by writing this it will help a little  who knows. I have thought even having someone to look forward to on the internet might help? I need laughs , understanding, good conversations lol . I know some are going to say what is up with your wife. Well ...... she has her world and I have mine I guess, we have tried to make time and I have waited for her but things slip her mind and I am not one to keep asking , I feel after 29 yrs I should not have to ask all the time. She loves me in her own way I guess , and I guess that is not one of them. Things are so complicated I guess a person would have to be me in my shoes.

   Ok last thing I guess is excitement ! I want my heart to race, I want to be able to say "YES!" in my mind before during and afterward. Someone once said Variety is the spice of life, well bring it on! Yeah I could just say what the hell and go out and try to find it, and I might one of these days soon. But now a days you have to be so careful not to offend people because if you do the wrong thing( or at least in their eyes) then you get labeled, and I am tired of being labeled. I have been labeled a bad person and don't really know why.

  How you ask? I will tell you . At some point in time my father took it upon himself to tell family members ( how many I do not know) that I did something bad to my wife ( what I do not know) I never knew this until after he had passed away and my aunt came up to me and said " You better be treating your wife better!" I looked at her and asked why she said that, and I get " all I am going to say is that your father told me how you were treating her and how good of a wife you have and I better not hear of you treating her like that anymore." ( anymore ? like I knew what she was talking about ) To make matters worse when my mother passed at her funeral my aunt turns to my son and says " Is your father treating your mother good ?" which he of course says yes, she then says "he better." This is Ten years after my father had pasted away. So what do I get ? I get form my son "Dad did someone in the family treat their wife bad ?" to which I have to explain to him how I was approached by my aunt. Even from the grave my father gets to attack me :-/ ( yes I put that face there )

    So there you have it I guess I was in a writing mode tonight, thanks you for reading and I hope you understand. I am already thinking of processes to go thru to get where I want to be but some I know might be long and slow but I guess I have no way but up to go from here.